WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
