Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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