he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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