people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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