I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
