Can Purell be used as lube?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
