she looked like the before picture.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
