i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
