rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
