remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
