uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
