thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
