we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
