She's JV to your varsity
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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