Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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