My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
