I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
