there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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