i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
