I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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