Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
