how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
