i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
