she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
