i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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