I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
