my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My liver just had a heart attack.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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