Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
