I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
