Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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