um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
