whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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