Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We are all done wearing pants today
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
