Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
