It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
