I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
