My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
as a side note pls kill me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
