Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
