if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Michael Bay diarrhea
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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