We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
