cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
