If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
