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Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
