I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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