I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
