I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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