Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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