I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
