went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
