I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
