Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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