i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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