How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
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Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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