theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
