I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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