goodnight i made you a song goodbye
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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